Trill
by Strange and Intoxicating -rsa
Summary: Ryuichi's mother never told him. Now, with Nittle Grasper surging to the top of the charts, he finds out the secret that can rip Tohma and him apart for eternity. The media and the world thought they were filthy, but you can't stop love. RyuxToh Hiatus
1. Memories

Trill

By- Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-

So, I wasn't planning on writing this because of the amount of other stuff floating around my mind, but I felt that if I wasn't able to get at least the beginning out my brain would literally fry. After watching the anime three times over the past two days, it was just scratching to get out. What I _should_ be doing is writing the Christmas interlude for _Tenacity_, but I can't do that with this pounding on me. As they say, Hell hath no fury as a fangirl's scorn.

Warnings: Language, harsh themes, vulgarity, angst, sexual relationships, shounen-ai and, depending on how far I get with this, yaoi. Uh, and, well... brotherly love (incest) There will be blood too, so if you are easily squicked out I suggest you turn around now. Granted, most of the yaoi fans I know are much tougher to quick out than the normal population, but still.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Gravitation. Sure, I would gladly steal Ryuichi and Tohma (not to mention Yuki, Hiro, and Shuichi) and make them do naughty things to one another, but alas, I cannot steal them. There is also the small issue of not being _real_, but I could have overlooked that.

* * *

Chapter One: Memories 

The first thing Ryuichi Sakuma remembered was the trill of bells and his mother's voice. Softly, as his lips were raised to his mother's nipple, warm milk much like honey coating his tounge, sliding down into his belly, he heard the tinkling. It intrigued him; what type of beautiful music could the world show him, an infant birthed not hours before?

And then she began to sing, her lips close to his ear. He suckled the nectar from her body, his ears prickling at the sound of his mother's soft words tickling his ear, her breath warm on his cheek. Her voice mingled with the soft echo of bells, though Ryuichi knew not where they came from. It was just there, like the milk he was to drink because of the feeling of need in his stomach, his mother's voice, because he had yearned to hear something beautiful. There may not have been bells present, but because he had yearned for them, needed them as much as the vital nutrients his body needed, he was granted the sound.

"My angel," she whispered, her lips ghosting over his forehead, tracing her fingers gently through his thick tresses of brown, "you will have the voice of an angel, because you are my angel."

The bells rang clear again as the infant fell into a deep sleep, one hand clutching the thin material of his mother's robe.

Then, everything broke and the sound of nothingness, unadulterated fear and silence, caressed him.

* * *

Ryuichi woke with a start, his heart pounding in his chest. His eyes flashed open to see the wide expansion of ceiling, the white-walled room, the groggily tossed his head to the side, eyes glancing over at the clock. 

It was three in the morning, but the six-year-old could not stop his mind from racing. That was why he had woken up; his mind had been playing dirty tricks on him, making him think he was locked in a barred room, his mommy and music taken away, far away. A stream of sweat dripped down his face, and when he reached his fingers to touch it, bringing the liquid to his lips, he noticed it wasn't coming from the right place. Sweat was sticky and warm, but it didin't have the taste of tears.

"_Mommy!_" Ryuichi screamed, his voice pitching higher and higher, tears coming down in cascades. He was scared. His mommy and his music–the only things he needed.

"_Mommy! Music!_" The boy blindly grasped his hands over to where he knew his night lamp would be, should be, but it was no where to be felt. An enormous wail, thick with emotion, slid from his lips as he tumbled head-first out of his bed, onto the cold ground.

The overhead light snapped on and Mommy ran in, her hair in disarray. She knelt down where the small boy had fallen, now cradling his arm in pain, tears escaping his lips.

"Muh-muh-mummy!" He wailed, clutching his arm closer to his body, bending his head into his mother's warm embrace.

"There there," she whispered into his hair. "Now, what is wrong sweatheart?"

"My arm hurts," Ryuichi whimpered, pulling away from the woman.

"Well, how did you hurt it?" She asked delicately, her fingers gently prying at the arm.

Ryuichi let out a stream of breath laced with pain. "Ryu thought mommy and music had left him." The child sniffled, rubbing his eyes with his other, non-injured, arm. The tears splattered across his pajamas and soaked through, leaving big splotches across the sleeves.

"Mommy and your music will never leave you," mommy whispered, lightly touching the child's arm, "but we need to go to the hospital. That arm doesn't look very nice, nor does it feel nice, right?"

Ryuichi nodded his head. "It hurts mommy, but don't bring me there! It's scary there," but the woman just picked him up, settling the boy into her arms, carrying them out the door of his room.

* * *

It only took twenty minutes to get to the hospital. Ryuichi's mother had gritted her teeth as they entered the hospital, the small boy had noticed with a slight hint of confusion. Why was mommy so angry about the hospital? Ryuichi looked around for anything strange. It looked like any other hospital. When the boy voiced this, his mother looked around, her eyes a bit fearful. 

"I'm sorry angel." She said, petting his head. "Mommy just doesn't like this hospital very much. But that doesn't matter; they'll fix your arm, tell me what's wrong with it. Silly angel–always so clumsy." She hoisted Ryuichi into the air, holding him close like one would and infant.

This didn't comfort the boy, and he began to once again wail. "Mommy, I don't like doctors!" The boy buried his head in the crook of the woman's soft skin.

"Well, ma'am, there is only one doctor with the times to see your son at the moment. I'll call him down to come take a look." The nurse brandished the phone in front of her, one finger silently moving across a page covered with phone numbers.

"Why can't one of the doctors from the emergency room come see him?"

"Because," a man in a white coat stated, pulling his glasses down in front of his eyes, "there is a twelve-car accident that needs their attention. Plus, I am one of the best doctors in this country. Surely a little arm wouldn't be too much trouble."

"Doctor Seguchi! I was just about to phone your office." The nurse replied hastily, handing over Ryuichi's files. "I heard you were showing your son around tonight; where is he?"

The doctor glanced through the file, white sheets slipping delicately from one hand to the other. "Oh, little Tohma is upstairs in my office. He was rather intrigued by one of the books laying on my desk. Started to read and didn't even bother to look up once!" the doctor let out a chuckle.

"Mommy," Ryuichi whined into his mother's hair, "this doctor's scary."

"I know angel, I know."

Doctor Seguchi shut the file, nodding his head toward the two Sakuma's. "If we could head to my office, I believe we will be able to see just exactly what is wrong with his arm. Then, we can take care of it, how does that sound?" The doctor said directly to Ryuichi.

When the six-year-old turned his head to see the man, the doctor smiled. "Ah, there we go."

* * *

A small blond boy sat on the small white chair in the corner of the small room, Ryuichi noticed with a bit of confusion. Why was there a little boy in the room he was supposed to be examined in? He didn't have to share an examination room with another person, did he? 

"Tohma, I thought I told you to stay in my office," the doctor chided as he walked over to the counter of the room, pulling a pair of gloves out of a box.

The boy looked down. "I'm sorry, father. I was bored and there was no one to talk to. I got tired and thought you would be in here. Then I forgot how to get back to your office so I stayed here." Tohma turned his head back up and looked directly at Ryuichi, pulling his stuffed rabbit closer. "You aren't mad at me, are you?"

Doctor Seguchi huffed. "Tohma, what will I ever do with you?"

Tohma shrugged his shoulders.

"Because you don't seem to know the way back, I will bring you there after I speak with Miss Sakuma. Please, if you could, can you stay with Ryuichi here? He doesn't seem rather happy about being here. Maybe you could tell him that I'm not so bad of a doctor to quell his fears?" The doctor gave a hearty laugh, looking down at the two children, then back up to the woman. "Now, if you would, Miss Sakuma,"

* * *

"What happened to you?" Tohma asked, pointing his finger to Ryuichi's arm, already slung into a makeshift sling. 

"I fell out of bed and whacked it on the floor hard. It hurts," the brown-haired boy let out the last two words in a pitiful moan. "And, your daddy scares me!"

Ryuichi noticed Tohma look around the room for a second, as if he was looking for a way to escape. "My daddy isn't scary. He's a doctor so he can help people not feel bad. Don't be scared. Here," Tohma pulled the pink rabbit from his arms, thrusting it into Ryuichi's normal arm. "You can have Kumagoro. I know whenever I'm scared I just give Kumagoro a big hug and I'm not so scared anymore."

"But," Ryuichi touched the rabbit's head lightly with the tips of his fingers, "don't you need him?" He sucked a quick breath through his clogged nose.

"You need him more," Tohma pointedly stated, before getting to his feet. "I'm going to go back to his office and see if there is anything fun to do. Do you want to come with me?"

The brunet looked down at his arm. "I've got to stay here and be strong for mommy."

"Okay," but as he began to walk away something slipped out from Ryuichi's mouth.

"Wait, you said you didn't remember where his office was," Ryuichi narrowed his eyes. "Did you lie to your daddy?"

Tohma gave a quick smile before nodding his head. "Well, it wasn't a big lie. I was tired and I wanted to see something exciting. Kumagoro was bored too, and it was no fair that we had to be stuck in that room." The blond gave a wave with his hand and was gone in a blink of an eye.

For a strange moment Ryuichi forgot of being afraid of losing his mommy and music, his brain only attached to Kumagoro and thoughts of how _cool_ the doctor's son had been.

"One day I'll be like that," Ryuichi promised himself as he sat down on the chair Tohma had recently vacated, curling into it and waiting for his mommy and the doctor to come back.

They did a few minutes later, and when the doctor had looked at the small stuffed animal in the boy's uninjured arm he hadn't even bothered to ask a question. It had confused Ryuichi, but there was nothing he could do. He was just a little kid, and little kids were never told adult secrets.

He had also noticed how shiny his mommy's eyes were, how red the skin around them was, and Ryuichi had to hold in his own tears.

"Mommy, angels don't cry, do they?"

"Yes, angel. Angels do cry." Was all she said.

* * *

Yeah, I know. There is actually a really interesting plot planned out for this. Well, I always did like interesting, probably never seen before plots. I hope I do continue this in my spare time. Hopefully it will get better. 

So, leave a review?


	2. Sparklies

This is the first story I've ever continued with absolutely no reviews. I don't even know why.

Also, I've been informed, via wikipedia, that Kumagoro actually came from K, and that it has a tracking device... well, that will be one of the Kumagoro's. This is the one that the rest were made after. Actually, now that I know that, I can have a lot of fun with another idea that popped into my head. Hehe.

Warnings: Language, harsh themes, vulgarity, angst, drug usage, sexual relationships, shounen-ai and, depending on how far I get with this, yaoi. Uh, and, well... brotherly love (incest). There will be blood too, so if you are easily squicked out I suggest you turn around now. Granted, most of the yaoi fans I know are much tougher to quick out than the normal population, but still.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Gravitation. Sure, I would gladly steal Ryuichi and Tohma (not to mention Yuki, Hiro, and Shuichi) and make them do naughty things to one another, but alas, I cannot steal them. There is also the small issue of not being _real_, but I could have overlooked that.

* * *

Chapter Two: Sparklies

Three blue pills, one green, two pink and a tiny yellow one that looked like the sun, sparkly and shiny– Ryuichi's mother laid each colorful pill on a small saucer, putting it in front of the teenager.

"Take them and then eat your breakfast." She reprimanded, wiping her hands on her apron before capping each of the bottles of rainbow-sparkly pills.

"But mommy," Ryuichi lifted Kumagoro onto his head, the bright yellow ears flopping down a little. "Why do we have to take these sparklies? We don't think we need them." And as though attempting to prove a point Ryuichi picked up each of the pills and tossed them up into the air. "Look! Sparkly confetti!"

The woman sighed, getting onto her knees and picking up the small dots on the linoleum floor. "Kumagoro, Ryu-angel, you need to take your pills. I don't want the school to try and have you re-emitted. You remember that, don't you? They took you away from me and I couldn't do anything. Now, if you'll both be big boys and take your pills I promise I'll get you ice cream later on. Is that a deal?" She handed the pills to Ryuichi, who was whispering into Kumagoro's ear.

"Mmm, ice cream, Kuma! Let's take these sparklies and go to school! Ice cream later!" The thirteen-year-old popped each of the pills, one by one, into his awaiting mouth, taking a sip of water from his green plastic cup. "Kumagoro says mommy should buy juice. It makes the sparklies easy to take."

"Well, mommy will have to remember to buy juice then. You two go get your things for school and I'll get the car warmed up, okay?"

Ryuichi hugged Kumagoro closer, nodding his head. "I'll go do that now! And he ran off without even taking a bite of his breakfast.

* * *

Ryuichi knew what the doctor's thought of him; they said he was a quack. In the beginning, after his first check-up when he was eight, the boy was sure they meant that he was a duck, so for an entire week he acted like the bird until his mommy brought him back to the hospital to see what was wrong with him. He told the doctor, not the same doctor who said he was a quack, exactly why he was trying to dunk his head into the birdbath and eat the pieces of bread scattered across the ground.

But, the thing that seemed to bother the doctor the most wasn't his overactive imagination, but how almost everything that came out of his mouth was a rhyme, how Ryuichi could come up with answers to anything without so much as a moment passing, and then stare at questions on a piece of paper for a half an hour and not understand anything. Random bursts of energy, not being able to sleep at night because his thoughts were racing faster than his mind could keep up and the strangest was how when listening to music Ryuichi could see the music traveling through the air towards him in a beautiful rainbow of colors.

Sometimes he couldn't feel anything at all, and would even ignore Kumagoro. His mommy said he was scary when he did this; there would be nothing but a smirk on his face, and he couldn't even care.

With the green pill Ryuichi was able to keep his attention on one thing, the pink stopped him from not being able to feel. The blue pills were actually two different things, one stopping his from crying at random times, the other two to help his body accept the myriad of pills.

But the yellow one, the prettiest, looking like a blazing sun, was the one Ryuichi hated the most. It took away the flying music; the pretty greens of the violin, the reds of bells, the blazing purple of his own voice. Oh, how he hated that blazing ball of sunshine. The world was so plain without seeing the beauty of music, even taking away the beauty of hearing it. It wasn't the same with the pills.

The doctor had said it was something-mania. Ryuichi remembered because it sounded like 'Maine', a place in America he wanted to visit. The book he had read said that the state had yummy lobsters, and Kumagoro always wanted to see a lobster. They looked strange in the picture, with gigantic arms and bright blue, but Ryuichi wanted to touch one, then eat it. Yummy.

There was only one time that Ryuichi and Kumagoro hadn't taken their pills, and it had ended badly. Mommy had to rush to the school after the teacher had caught them from standing on top of the building, trying to have a conversation with one of the birds. Kuma has said they shouldn't have gone up, but the bird was making such pretty music with his mouth. It was telling him the secret of how to fly.

Kumagoro had told him to get off the ledge because it was scary, but Ryuichi hadn't noticed. He stood up there, arms outstretched, ready to let go and spread his arms out to fly until one of the teachers caught him.

Mommy had always told him stories about how angels could fly, and the bird had told him he had wings. He explained this to the doctor over and over again in that little white room, crying that he was trying to be an angel. He wanted to fly more than anything else.

Mommy had cried a lot that day, Ryuichi remembered sadly. He hated it when mommy cried. Sometimes it was over him, sometimes over work and money, though the latter hadn't happened for a long time, and sometimes she cried about daddy. Ryuichi told Kumagoro he didn't know what his daddy was, or even if he had one. Mommy was an angel, and angels didn't have daddy's. Kuma had told him it wasn't possible, that he had to have a daddy, but Ryuichi wasn't sure.

But there were many more important things to do at that moment, because Kumagoro was pulling on his arm, reminding him to go get their stuff to go to school.

School . . . neither of them really liked school, but they went because mommy told him she wanted her boy to be smart. The teachers didn't think they belonged, but the students liked him sometimes. It really depended on if they wanted to be with the 'crazy kid' that day, but Kumagoro didn't mind, so neither did Ryuichi. They said thirteen-year-olds shouldn't carry around pink bunnies and how it made him a 'little homo', but because Ryu didn't know what it meant, and Kumagoro wasn't telling him, the boy ignored them.

If it wasn't for mommy, Ryuichi would have already stopped taking the sparklies and going to school. He wanted to sing; singing was all he wanted to do, and he was willing to do anything to do it, except hurt mommy. She already had enough to worry about, with quacks and sparklies and ice cream, and Ryuichi knew he needed to be strong. Mommy was an angel, but he didn't want God to take her back yet.

* * *

So, this is the second chapter. The next two chapters are going to be explaining more about Ryuichi and his mental state. They aren't going to be very long, maybe a little longer than this chapter, but they should pack a powerful punch. And believe me, this is already getting very interesting in my head. I hope it gets better when it comes out on the computer.

Also, what Ryuichi has is Hypomania. It's a rather interesting thing, and I really hope it helps explain some of the stuff about Ryuichi.

How about a review? Please?


	3. Secrets

It took me way, way too long to update this chapter. I feel terrible, worse than just about anything. You can kill me, but at least I got one up, right? I don't want to do that again; so this weekend I'm spending my time updating everything I haven't updated in a while. Yeah, I know. I'm lame. Should be writing that lugger _Tenacity_ but I don't want to forget about everyone else who reads my other stories.

Also, simply writing this story is stressful. I have to put my mind in the mindset of an insane child basically every time I even want to think about writing it. I have to make sure the writing is simple yet not stupid, childish yet introverted. This is one of my most challenging stories—screw amount of words, this is a pain in my rear end.

But I love you, so it all works out.

Warnings: Language, harsh themes, vulgarity, angst, drug usage, sexual relationships, shounen-ai and, depending on how far I get with this, yaoi. Uh, and, well... brotherly love (incest). There will be blood too, so if you are easily squicked out I suggest you turn around now. Granted, most of the yaoi fans I know are much tougher to squick out than the normal population, but still.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Gravitation. Sure, I would gladly steal Ryuichi and Tohma (not to mention Yuki, Hiro, and Shuichi) and make them do naughty things to one another, but alas, I cannot steal them. There is also the small issue of not being _real_, but I could have overlooked that.

* * *

Chapter Three: Secrets 

Ryuichi had a secret—he didn't like gym. The teacher just kept screaming at him for every little thing he did wrong; running and scuffing the floor with his shoes, dropping the ball, or carrying around Kuma. He said that he should leave the stuffed animal at home, that only babies still kept toys. He said mean things that hurt. They really hurt.

"Sakuma, put that toy down or I'll give you detention!" The teacher blew his whistle. It wasn't the nice, pretty sound that made Ryuichi see rainbows of colors swirl by his eyes, but shrill. It wasn't tender or soft. It was cold and hard, just like the teacher.

"But they'll take him again!" he pointed his fingers to the boys on the other side of the court. They were big and liked playing those ball games. But, Ryuichi hugged Kumagoro tighter, the last time they played it with poor little Kuma's head. They had ripped it off and Ryuichi heard Kumagoro's scared and pleading cry.

It had taken mommy two hours to fix him. In reminder of their cruelty, Ryuichi touched the small pink thread covering Kuma's throat. Sixty stitches, mommy had said when she cut the string, patting both Kumagoro's fluffy pink head any Ryuichi's brown hair. Mommy always knew what to do, no matter what. She put a tiny pink band-aid over the new stitched before telling Kuma to get some good sleep.

The teacher walked over, Ryuichi noticing his stained teeth, yellow and nasty. It reminded him of the yellow pills—they were both nasty and did horrible things to him. "You get rid of that toy or I _will_ take it!" He reached forward, his cigarette-stained fingers prying at Ryuichi's hands.

"_No!_" Ryuichi yelled, shoving Kumagoro under his plain tee-shirt, hiding it from the gym teacher's hand. The man ignored Ryuichi's cries. He could feel the man pulling at his shirt, heard the sound of the cloths tearing. "No—you can't have him! Stop it! Stop it! _Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit_!" Falling to his knees, Ryuichi curled up, his hands covering Kumagoro. It didn't matter if he was hurt. He just needed to keep Kuma safe, like he had kept Ryuichi safe for so long.

"You're seventeen—not a damn baby." One of the boys from the other side of the court yelled, making the teacher grunt. Ryuichi didn't say anything. Mommy had always told him to ignore bullies and mean people. That was what they all were; Mister Gigu was a bully as well as all the boys laughing. It echoed in his mind, sharp and dull, loud and soft, but it always stayed the same—the laughs were always mean. They always had that hint of scorn, that drip of malice.

And Ryuichi didn't want to be laughed at anymore.

But he wasn't going to get rid of Kumagoro. Kuma was his only friend in this big world, where the people's faces all bunched together and their voices were the same. None of them knew that Ryuichi had one friend, or maybe they did. Maybe that was why they picked on him—because he was weird. He didn't like people; they were just faces. Ryuichi only had mommy and Kuma and everyone else hated him. Maybe he was a...

"What a loser!" The same boy screamed and the words rang like the bells of Hell.

Kuma said that was silly, that they picked on him because he was better than them, that he was smarter than them, too. The rest of what Kumagoro had to say was cut off by the teacher's whistle right into his ear. It was intolerable and for a second Ryuichi lifted one of his hands from his stomach to cover his left ear. The arm only helped a little to blocking out the sound, but Ryuichi could still hear every jeer and every blow of the teacher's whistle.

Kumagoro said that Ryuichi needed to get up and run, just run far away. Home flashed before his eyes and before the teacher could blow his whistle again or try to take Kuma, he was up on his feet, his friend's hand in his, and Ryuichi ran.

He didn't pick up his bags. They had nothing important in them; only school books and letters that were shoved into his locker. Mommy and Kuma told him to stop using the locker, especially after someone had broken into it and filled it with that stinky orange stuff. It had exploded in Ryuichi's face and left a small burn on his chin. The doctor said it would go away soon, so Ryuichi didn't worry about it. Mommy and Kumagoro did though.

But Ryuichi had a secret—all of the letters, the mean ones with words like 'homo' and 'stupid' and 'baby' scrawled over them with bold ink—were tucked under his bed in a little box. He kept them. He didn't know why and both mommy and Kumagoro would get angry at him if they knew. So, when mommy was at work, Ryuichi would conveniently forget Kumagoro in front of the TV, telling him that he needed to go pee. But, he would go into his room and slide under the bed, pulling out the shoe-box. All sorts of colors and words and drawings covered the paper. There was one with lots of green and another that had little red hearts. He didn't understand that one. It was weird and the writing was too... all sorts of things like 'love' and 'passion' and 'your equipment'—what the heck was equipment, Ryuichi had thought. He didn't have sports equipment or anything of the sort.

None of that mattered anymore as he ran harder, Kumagoro's voice telling him to go faster. The teacher was catching up and the pink bunny's paw and fur was slick with sweat. Ryuichi pulled the bunny closer, into his chest. He could see the door, feel the cold air already on his skin even before he was out. Mister Gigu wouldn't go outside to chase him, and then he could go home. Run home and hide in the bathroom, wait until mommy came home and then he could tell her why he had left school when he wasn't supposed to. She would smile and give Ryuichi and Kumagoro juice and ice cream.

The door weighed a lot more than he had thought, but he pushed against it and run down the school's steps, straight out into the door and into the black, empty street. His feet did not stop until he got to the turn.

Taking in a few breaths that filled Ryuichi's lungs, he felt the bitter frost that pinched at his fingertips and the slight pain that his ragged gasps caused his throat. Winter air blew against his face, the trees nearby sprinkling his hair with the snow. For a moment he wanted nothing more than a coat. He had left it inside with everything else.

He stood there for a little while, just staring at the sky. A few more smooth drops of snow flickered onto his face and Ryuichi pulled the bunny close. He knew his mommy worked somewhere close, only a few blocks away, and it would be warm there. The other women and men liked him and always bought him sodas.

Ryuichi looked both ways before crossing the street, something Kuma had barely the time to remind him of.

"Of course I was going to," he mumbled, tucking Kumagoro under his arm to protect him from the cold weather and from falling out. No cars were on the street and there was no sound coming from anywhere close, so he stepped into the street and walked along the yellow pedestrian crosswalk.

The car came from nowhere, like lightning striking a tree. It had made no sound until it crashed straight into Ryuichi in the middle of the road. Fast, shock, then pain.

There was not even a moment for Ryuichi to try to step out of the way as the front smashed into his side, sending him flying into the air like an angel without wings to fly. His mouth couldn't work, and even as Kuma screamed beside him; all he could see was the snow drizzling down from the sky. It was almost as the angels above were crying for their brother. Ryuichi tried to raise his hand to the sky but it did nothing. He felt weak.

Then the angel came into his sight, hair brighter than the snow. He leaned forward and picked Ryuichi up, Kumagoro still dangling in his other hand, and the boy knew that he was going to heaven. But mommy would be so, so sad...

Ryuichi had a secret—just with his eyes, the angel who held him like a newborn infant in his arms, wings outstretched to carry them both to the world beyond, was so beautiful it made Ryuichi want to cry. And for that moment, looking into his angel's eyes, he couldn't feel pain or hear Kumagoro's screams or see mommy's tears. All he knew was the scent of winter and the touch of an angel's hand.

And in the distance he could hear the trill of bells.

* * *

So, this is chapter three. I'm not sure I like it as much as the other two, but it opened a lot of doors.

Please Review!


	4. Hospitals

Authoer Notes: I"m sporadic, appartently, but I don't really want to update any of my other stories at the moment. This one is growing on me, almost too much for my liking.

Warnings: Language, harsh themes, vulgarity, angst, drug usage, sexual relationships, shounen-ai and, depending on how far I get with this, yaoi. Uh, and, well... brotherly love (incest). There will be blood too, so if you are easily squicked out I suggest you turn around now. Granted, most of the yaoi fans I know are much tougher to squick out than the normal population, but still.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Gravitation. Sure, I would gladly steal Ryuichi and Tohma (not to mention Yuki, Hiro, and Shuichi) and make them do naughty things to one another, but alas, I cannot steal them. There is also the small issue of not being _real_, but I could have overlooked that.

* * *

Chapter Four: Hospitals

All Ryuichi could feel was pain. The tendrils of suffering shot down his legs and his arms but most of all near his stomach. In the beginning the pain had been numb, the cold outdoors snaking its way into Ryuichi's body. There was no pain then, but there was now. He could feel his eyes closed and yet he did not want to open them. Too much energy.

But there was mommy in his mind, crying out, his hand wet with the snowy tears falling from her face. There was also two men talking loudly somewhere not too far off and the faint, almost non-existent sound of the small machine beeping. His heartbeat, Ryuichi knew. His mother still crying, her head laying against the teenager's hand now. Mommy's breath was cold.

"Your monster of a son nearly killed my baby!" She choked out. "That—that bastard of a child nearly killed Ryuichi! You'll be lucky if I don't have that monster sent to prison!"

"Sakuma, we both know that this situation can be handled easily enough." The voice sounded familiar. It tugged at Ryuichi's brain, but no name would accompany the voice. "Your son had run away from school—he was not supposed to be in that walkway—"

"But he was," this was a new voice, soft and broken like the limbs of the lightning-struck tree, said. "He was there and I didn't see him. The roads were empty and I was going ten kilometers faster than I should have been. There was snow and I hadn't expected the road to be so icy. Even if I had tried to stop, nothing would have worked."

Ryuichi felt his other hand, the pain still blaring in his head like a warning signal, fill with soft material and the brown-haired boy suddenly felt the pain ebb away. Kumagoro was with him, and the pink bunny was stealing away all of the pain.

Mommy yelled again. "Seguchi—you and I need to speak without your spawn in here. Get out."

The angel's voice said something incorrigible before Ryuichi heard the door swing open and shut. He was gone, the man mommy kept calling all those bad names, and yet he could still feel the angel's presence. It was too strong to be tainted out by a door.

And for the first time Ryuichi felt a strange, serene sort of peace take hold of him. Was he in Heaven? Mommy would be crying if that was it, but it didn't explain the first man, the one that's voice was tainted something evil. Why was he here? Was Ryuichi dead? Was he alive?

_You're in a hospital,_ Ryuichi thought he heard Kumagoro whisper. _You'll be fine, just hold on with everything you have. The pain will be go—there is no pain anymore, is there?_

There wasn't. It was all just so very confusing.

"I never asked for a penny, but I did demand that you keep your own filth away from my child."

"It was an accident and it would not have happened if you had just given the boy up, like everyone had told you to do. You are not a mother, Lili, just a little American woman who came spritzing through Japan with the idea of romance and love. Did you ever get either, I wonder?"

"_I raised _my _son perfectly fine!_"

"Which is why your little Ryuichi is lying on that sterilized bed with tubes in his mouth."

There were tubes in his mouth? How odd.

"I've done a damn decent job—I never once had to beg like your whore of a wife."

_Slap._ Mommy dropped Ryuichi's hand and there was the sound of a scuffle.

"Never touch me again you whore—"

"Never _touch_ me again. You bastard,"

"I had offered you dozens of ways out of the situation you are now in. It was as simple as taking the check and leaving the boy with people that loved him. My wife would have taken him as her own and loved him with everything in her. She is that kind of woman, but it is too late now."

Mommy scoffed. Ryuichi had never once in his seventeen years of existence heard his mother speak so... harshly. "As if your own son wants anything to do with you. The poor boy was forced into school after school, where he was never allowed to actually _live_, wasn't he? Maybe I should pity him. _You _should pity him more than Ryuichi. Ryuichi has enough love."

His heart was beating faster—what was mommy and this stranger talking about? Ryuichi loved mommy. She took good care of him and loved him. And who was she talking about? What was she talking about?

"My son has—"

"My son has more sparkle than yours ever will."

* * *

Ryuichi knew mommy had left a little while ago, her soft whisper into his ear explaining that she was going to get some coffee so she could stay up with him until he opened his eyes, which he had yet to do. So, when the door creaked open, Ryuichi's eyes opened. The man, or boy, standing in front of him was radiating light and the teenager had to scrunch his eyes closed to prevent them from burning again.

He was sure that the angel, the only obvious explanation for his white-blonde hair and soft complexion, was coming closer; his shoes were louder than the heart monitor and their subtle breathing. The chair next to him, which mommy had occupied for hours upon hours, was sudden;y filled again and Ryuichi opened his eyes. There was a hope that it wouldn't burn this time. They fluttered open twice but were unable to stay.

"I nearly killed you," the angel said, putting his hand on Ryuichi's. "I nearly killed you and your mother is right—I am a monster. I have never done such a reckless deed, and I that one time when I decide to go over the speed limit I nearly kill someone. I nearly killed..." the angel's voice dropped off and Ryuichi made a small movement with his hand, begging the blonde-haired angel to continue.

"I think that is enough," Mommy was back in the room and her voice was harsh. "I think it is time for you to leave. Get out and don't come back. My baby is lying with sixteen broken bones and a punctured lung because of you. Seguchi—leave or I will call the police. And rather than your father, they will arrest your spoiled self and hopefully throw away the key to your cell. Do I make myself clear?"

Ryuichi gave a whine when the angel let go of his hand.

"Yes, Miss Sakuma. But—if you could, please just give this to him?"

Mommy growled. "I don't want my son ever having anything of yours. Get out now before I call security to assist you away."

And that was the end of the angel and Ryuichi's hand felt cold again. The pain was back.

* * *

Eh. I'm not sure. It's kind of so-so, considering the fact that basically the entire chapter was Ryuichi hearing things. Meh. It'll have to work.

**Please Review! **


	5. Teddies

Author Notes: Whoops. I think I took too much time getting this up. I completely and totaslly forgot about all my other storys, and for that I'm sorry. I don't like doing that, and three months is a long time.

Warnings: Language, harsh themes, vulgarity, angst, drug usage, sexual relationships, shounen-ai and, depending on how far I get with this, yaoi. Uh, and, well... brotherly love (incest). There will be blood too, so if you are easily squicked out I suggest you turn around now. Granted, most of the yaoi fans I know are much tougher to squick out than the normal population, but still.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Gravitation. Sure, I would gladly steal Ryuichi and Tohma (not to mention Yuki, Hiro, and Shuichi) and make them do naughty things to one another, but alas, I cannot steal them. There is also the small issue of not being _real_, but I could have overlooked that.

* * *

Chapter Five: Teddies

The doctors kept Ryu drugged; he knew the feeling. It was woozy, but left his body fighting, though it couldn't get out He grew tired from trying, and the pain seemed to come back whenever that happened. Mommy would stay by his side through the night, and Ryuichi wanted to ask why she wasn't at work, but every time he opened his mouth the words just wouldn't come out. He didn't want her to remember. There wouldn't be any time for him if she went back there, but Kumagoro told him that one day she was going to have to go back.

On the first morning she said that she needed to go back, Ryuichi wasn't able to stop himself from crying. Her hands were warm and washed away all the pain. His chest hurt when he cried for her to stay; mommy sat back down and rubbed soft circles into his chest until all of the aching went away. She was explaining, but Ryu couldn't understand the words.

The doctor came in with his needle and she kissed his head before going. His body weighed too much to move his hand to call her back. His needle was always long, and when it pierced his skin it made him whimper, and there was no mommy to kiss away his tears, or close his eyes so that Ryuichi couldn't see it going in. That always helped.

White-coated men and women came back in the entire day. Though it was hard to open his eyes, Ryuichi knew that none of their footsteps were the same as mommy's. She had a soft step, like a bell chime when her pretty red polka-dotted heels clicked on the floor. It made a beautiful clinking sound that send imaginary lines of music through Ryu's mind. He could still see the beautiful colors: a deep red, like the leather buckle that wrapped around her ankle. But her shoes weren't there, in the hospital with him. Not now.

When the door clicked open again, Ryuichi mumbled to Kuma that it wasn't a familiar sound. There was a distinct manliness to the sound, but it wasn't mean. Most men weren't nice; the man teachers always made fun of him, telling him he was stupid. He didn't like men, and didn't like boys. They were just as mean.

But this person wasn't walking scary. In fact, Ryuichi thought as he fluttered his eyes open, the man's shoes made a nice sound. Not as pretty as mommy's, but it was still beautiful. This one was white. Ryuichi thought it was strange, and tried to whisper it into Kumagoro's ear because he didn't want whoever it was to think he was strange. People thought that about him all of the time. This person, however, he didn't want to think that. It was familiar, like a friend's call. Like Kuma's call.

There was white hair, shining like the snow that was outside on that day, and eyes that were so bright they made Ryuichi's heart want to bleed.

"Did I wake you?" The boy whispered. His nose was a bit red and there were flakes of white in his already pale hair.

Ryuichi turned to the window, noticing that there was snow, white and pure like the boy's hair and music. "No," he said, hugging Kumagoro a little tighter around the middle. "Mommy left and I can't sleep without her here."

"Why did she leave?"

Ryu tried to shrug, but gave out a whine when his shoulder moved. The boy was the angel, he noticed when a look of worry came across his angel's face. If there was anything that he would remember forever, it would have been that look of care and worry. Deep like mommy's, but also different. It made his heart flutter.

"Don't hurt yourself," he said, placing his arm on Ryuichi's leg, like it was made of glass. A look like that wasn't something that was common, and Ryuichi wanted him to keep his hand there, innocently and tenderly. Only mommy did that. He wanted someone else, because mommy wasn't there. She had left him. "I know your mother didn't want me to come back, but I wanted to make sure you were okay."

His other hand was hidden behind his back, Ryuichi noticed, nudging Kumagoro to notice as well. The bear did. The angel also seemed to notice and removed his hand from the bed and Ryu's leg. The boy chuckled. "I got you a teddy bear. I thought that you might have wanted one; I've already given you a bear, after all."

Ryuichi cocked an eyebrow, like he had seen on that American show. He had to watch it with Kumagoro in the other room when mommy was at work. She hated the television being on with those American shows, showing violence and something called sex, which still had Ryuichi perplexed. Kumagoro would tell if he had ever seen the television on. "You never gave me a bear," he said, sourly.

"My name's Tohma; you don't remember me, do you?" Tohma put the bear on the small bed. It took up a lot of room for something that was so small. "We met a long time ago; I didn't notice until I saw Kumagoro there, in your arms when I put you in my car..." he trailed off, staring down, placing his hand back down, this time on the bars.

"You were the one to hit me?" Ryuichi had heard his mommy's words, colder than the snow that was now melted into pristine hair.

Tohma looked down, nodded. "I did... but please, do not loath me for it. It was an accident."

The angel looked like he was going to weep tears of white, glowing like pearls. "Don't cry," Ryuichi whispered, patting a spot on the bed next to the bear. "Sit down; Kuma wants to say hello. I think I remember now... your daddy was a scary man. A doctor when I hurt my arm. He looked at it that night, and I remember you were there and said that Kuma would take good care of me. I needed him," he finished in a whisper.

"I think that's how it went," the angel-boy said, his voice stronger. There must have been something in his eyes because he wiped his palm across them. Whatever it was was gone now.

Ryuichi nodded. "I'm Ryuichi, but you can call me Ryu. That's what the people I'm close with call me. I won't let you call me what mommy calls me, though."

"It's good to see you again, Ryuichi."

* * *

Tohma left before mommy came back, with a promise that he'd come back with more stuffed animals. The angel left the pretty brown bear, with fur that was soft. There wasn't the same connection between Ryu and the bear, Hani, as there was between Kumagoro and himself. He didn't want Kumagoro to get upset, so he hid the bear under his pillows before mommy came. He didn't tell Kuma the whole reason.

Ryuichi remembered the words that she had said to his angel. He ow had a name, but that didn't matter anymore. A name was one thing, but the white that surrounded him was something that couldn't have a name other than angel. He was a guardian, not a monster. He saved Ryu, gave him bears, made him feel better when she wasn't around. How could mommy not like him? Sure, Tohma had been driving, but it was a mistake. Friends didn't mean to hurt other friends.

Mommy didn't find the bear for weeks. A drive inside of Ryu, along with Kuma who pestered him on a daily basis to tell her about the bear shoved under the pillows, but he didn't. Instead, she found it while she was packing up his stuff. The doctor that came in with the needles said that he didn't have to be there anymore. Even though it hurt here, in the hospital, and there weren't posters over the walls or colors anymore because they had begun to give him his pills again, those sunshine-vomit yellow ones, Ryuichi didn't want to leave.

Tohma didn't come back after he gave Ryuichi Hani. It hurt, hurt a lot more than Kuma or mommy knew, except that mommy _didn't_ know. She just let him cry on her. She didn't ask.

That was until she found the bear.

"Baby, who gave you this?" She held out Hani.

Ryuichi put Kumagoro back down on the bed and held his hands out to her. "Mommy, this is Hani. I think she likes you. An angel came down from the sky and gave her to me." It wasn't a lie, per se, but Ryuichi couldn't tell her the truth. It burned his tongue like those spicy foods on the news.

Mommy just smiled. "Oh, well, Hello Hani. Welcome to the family." She handed her to Ryuichi, who couldn't have felt happier, and then picked up Kuma, who mildly complained about his space.

"Silly Kuma," he said as he sat back down on his bed and waited for mommy to finish packing up the rest of his things, little trinkets from home and some pajamas that didn't scratch like the hospital ones.

* * *

The next week, when Ryuichi left the house with mommy, Kumagoro tucked underneath his arm and backpack slung on his shoulder (which twinged a little with pain), he had seen a little bear, this one neon green, on the porch.

"Who's leaving you these?" mommy asked again.

Ryuichi pointed up to the sky. "My angel, mommy."

* * *

Two years was a long time. School was finished and Ryuichi had told mommy that he couldn't live with her forever. Kumagoro had yelled at him for this; he broke mommy's heart, something he never wanted to do. Ever since that day in the hospital, so many years ago that it felt like a lifetime, Ryu had watched out for pain that he would cause her. He was weird and had accepted it. There wasn't much more that could be said on the situation.

Mommy wanted him to stay until he was ready to leave, and he was. He kept this hidden behind smiles and ice cream nights, where there would be so many boxes in the kitchen that sometimes mommy wouldn't be happy. She never complained though.

Ryuichi knew that he wasn't stupid. In his last year at school he had managed to convince a teacher that he wasn't completely hopeless. He ended up graduating with honors, something neither mommy or Kuma had expected. Ryuichi had even taken the tests, all of them in fact, and he passed every single one of them with extremely high marks...except for the Japanese one. All of the pretty scribbles looked exactly alike and it was so hard to tell them apart. A dot here, a squiggly there—that was art, not writing.

But what he really excelled in was music. The pills still prevented him from seeing it above his head, but Ryuichi had an ear, or so the music director had said. At first Ryuichi had been surprised. Didn't everyone have ears? He even had to feel his own just to make sure they weren't warped or strange. Kumagoro's ears were big and long, white inside and pink on the outside, but they were still ears.

It took a while for him to realize that the man wasn't talking about his actual ear, but something that wasn't really there. Once again he felt his ears, but the teacher continued to explain that it was about hearing the music, feeling the music, breathing in the music which was all that mattered in the end. The words danced around in his head the first time he was handed sheet music, and he even had to turn it upside down to understand it.

Like everyday, he wanted to be able to see the colors when he sang, but all that was there were sharps and flats and pitches and squiggles on lines. None of it really mattered, but the teacher had spoken so fervently about it that Ryuichi had no other choice but to believe in it. What else was there to do?

Because of that man and his pictures of squiggles and notes, there was a future for Ryuichi. Kumagoro always told him to be happy that there had been someone to help him up, because he couldn't have done it any other way. Mommy couldn't afford college for him, but the teacher had made deals and promises and other things that Ryu didn't want to know about. There was college, a pretty painting of a future surrounded in the glow of life.

The music department wanted to train him as a conductor, not a singer, and in the beginning Ryuichi had been alright with it. Sometimes he would sneak his pill underneath his tongue in the morning and spit it out, just so he could see the thin strings of the bow touch the strings creating the brought colors of the night sky and the roaring oceans. He could see the air passing through the woodwinds, a swirl of greens like the wild mountains. The back drums would bang and out could come reds like the wars that it was pronouncing before it. The ground would tumble and fall back, and it was beautiful.

This wasn't what he wanted. Sure, the classes were fun and exciting and on occasion there was beauty brighter than the sun, but this wasn't what Ryuichi wanted to live for. He wanted to sing, sing like the birds, be free like them, too. There wasn't any way to be free when he was living inside of a birdcage.

Mommy nor Kumagoro understood. They wanted Ryu to be happy, that he was sure of, but what else did it mean? Did it mean that Ryuichi's wants didn't matter? Was he doomed to wave around a stick for the rest of his life when all he wanted to do was break out and sing until the moon crested over the sky? What was so wrong with being happy, he had asked mommy, who turned with tears in her eyes.

"Oh, sweety, you aren't ready. I don't want you to get hurt; you're so smart, so beautiful, so very fragile. I don't want something to happen and you get smashed in consequence."

"But I want to sing!" Ryuichi had yelled. He had made sure that Kumagoro was in the other room, along with the dozens of stuffed animals that not congregated on his bed. They were all from Tohma. "What's so wrong with that, mom!" Can't I be happy? It's all I want to do,"

And so they came to a compromise. After school, when all of his homework was finished and Kumagoro had watched enough television and eaten enough dinner, mommy would drop him off in front of a small karaoke bar until bed time.

"Hi Mogi!" Ryuichi yelled to the bartender. There was a sheen of sweat on the older man's face, a few droplets skidding into his ragged and wild beard. There was a lot of noise in the crowd as another person sloshed their tap beers against the microphone.

"Hey kid!" The man yelled back, whipping out a tall glass. Ryuichi slid past a few men who leered at him, getting to the counter and grabbed the only seat empty. A woman on his left had smoke rings enveloping her. There was a small coming from that side, like spices and musk. It made Ryu sneeze. He clutched Kumagoro closer. The other one was a man, hat dipped over his eyes and hair hidden below an equally clodding smoke. These cigarettes smelled differently, distinctly flowerish.

Mogi pulled out a small container and a spoon, shoveling in thick ice cream into the glass which purpose was more for alcohol than dessert treats. It didn't matter to Mogi though—he had worked for his parents, he once told Ryuichi as he sprayed on the rainbow sprinkles. They owned a mince, contemporary ice cream store that you could see your feet through the tables. He liked making things that didn't cause inebriation.

"Can you add some whipped cream to that?" Ryuichi asked, leaning over to see the man reach back and pull out the small container, squirting a bit into a napkin before shooting it into the glass. Once there had been something sour on the whipped cream and it had made Ryuichi get sick, all over the table. "Thank you!"

The woman which had been to his left snickered before ordering another something-or-other before leaving and heading back to wherever she had come from. The man on the right just continued to sip at his glass of burgundy.

Ryuichi placed Kumagoro on the table next to him where the woman with the funny smell had vacated, lifting the spoon on occasion to raise it to the bunny's lips.

"So, what are you going to sing tonight?" the bartender asked as he scrubbed the table down with a cloth. It was once white, he noticed, but now it was dirty and old. It greatly upset Ryu.

"I, um..." Ryuichi trailed off, scratching his head with the spoon. "I think I'll try some music from that CD you bought last week! I only got up to track three. It was pretty and made me want to cry. I think you'll like it, and Kuma agrees!" To emphasize the point Kumagoro clapped his hands together, the spoon clenched between Ryu's teeth. "'hen kon bi tart?" he grunted.

The man of his right laughed a little, and Ryuichi felt his face flame up.

"In about two minutes. Finish that ice cream and then get up there and do your thing."

"And I'll knock that guy outta the park!" the brunet added enthusiastically.

* * *

The first time Ryuichi had been on the stage he was scared nearly to the point of vomiting. He could still remember the feeling of soap bubbles coming up his throat and Kumagoro whispering to him that everything would be okay. Though he had never sung in front of large crowds before, there was something that he knew would work. As long as he pretended to have Kumagoro's strength he could see.

And so he did. He sang that song perfectly, or so everyone had gushed as they bought him round after round. Mogi hadn't known him well enough back then to make him ice cream, so instead Ryuichi had to drink all of the alcohol that the people were buying him. Mommy had always told him never to be disrespectful to people and their wallets, but she had also told him never to accept things from strangers. It was a paradox that night that nearly ended up with Ryuichi vomiting all over mommy when she came to pick him up.

After that Ryuichi wouldn't let people buy him drinks. He had a reputation as the ice cream eater, and anyone who wanted to appreciate him would chip in by giving Mogi money to buy the stuff. Ryuichi never had to spend a single yen on the sweet and delicious treat that would calm his nerves and his temperature.

It got too hot in the bar sometimes, sticky with sweat and beer that didn't ever go away. There was only the ice cream, music and Mogi's attention that kept him coming back. Besdies, of course, his need to sing. That outweighed everthing.

The room became silent when Ryuichi got onto the stage. The music began and Ryuichi placed Kumagoro on the stage, looking right up at him. There he could keep his gaze on his friend. There he could draw beautiful music and courage.

So he began to sing.

* * *

**Once again, sorry for delay. Next chapter should more forward a while and interesting things will finally really start. **

**Hani- Honey (I actually had to pull out my dictionary for this one. Trust me, there aren't going to be random sentences in Japanese, though. I don't like that, not even the honorifics. If I use Japanese, there is a point. **

**Please Review! **


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